There's a new page up at MINDMISTRESS, one which guest-starred the main DIESEL SWEETIES couple, Clango and Maura, used with permission by (and personal thanks to) DS's creator, R. Stevens..

I was thinking the other day that the creator of Proverbs (Solomon, by tradition) had it easy; gather the accumulated wisdom of the last three thousand years in the desert and elsewhere, and make them into short, pithy sayings. Still, this stuff is getting a little dated.

Or maybe we're just missing some. Supposedly Solomon, in all his divine wisdom, wrote three thousand of them, according to 1 King 4:32. There's only a small proportion left in the Book of Proverbs, and many of them are supposed to be converted from an earlier work, the Sayings of the Wise.

Well, through the miracle of modern archeology (when they were dodging the bullets and embedded reporters) researchers have brought to light many of the remaining proverbs, and we find some of them are amazingly modern, referring to things not even discovered yet, like chocolate. (My wife is convinced the reason for Holy Wars and slavery and any number of ancient and medieval horrors is because chocolate was not discovered yet, nor the New World with it.) A true showing of the divine wisdom of Solomon....

So here, without much ado, the new proverbs of Solomon:

Never get between a woman and her chocolate.

Never get between a pregnant woman and a bathroom.

If your wife is pregnant, memorize where the ladies' bathroom are in the mall.

If something promises to add inches either to your breasts or genital size, be advised that's only possible with surgery. Period.

Stay away from comic book and science fiction conventions. Geeks, en masse, are not a pleasant sight.

Car insurance is a necessity.

A free press, unenfluenced by the government, is essential to a stable democracy. As a follow-up, Fox News does not fall under the definition of a "free press". (And Geraldo you couldn't even give away...)

Letterman over Leno, every time.

Teach your children video games, for someday they will grow up and be asked to bomb Bagdad---selectively.

More people are usually killed by friendly fire than enemy fire. That applies to business, also. Watch your back.

Everything pure, good, and tasty in life causes cancer.

Everything disgusting, awful, and tastes like sawdust will extend your life.

Only invest in tech stocks during times when your leaders are being orally pleasured by interns.

People are starving in Africa, being bombed in the Middle East, dying of SARS in the Far East where a cold can be deadly. So for all their good intentions, you can't help but wonder about the priorities of people in PETA.

Dolphins are not as intelligent as humans; otherwise they wouldn't be moving mines for us.

Nobody looks good in their driver's license or passports photos, nor while jogging.

If you have to ask if you're overweight, you are.

Never value the opinion of a star about areas that don't involve acting. They are just actors who made it---and you know what actors are like---exactly like the waiter who attended you last night, or that jerk who couldn't add in 7-11, both of whom are dreaming of being movie stars...except they made it. No. Difference.

Beauty doesn't last. Money only lasts if you're careful.

Why do I deserve to be called the wisest man alive? Because I dealt with a thousand wives. And their PMS.